The Bad, Really Bad, and Really Really Bad Fishing Joke Page

This page is reprinted from the Web Site The English Fly Fishing Shop

Its use on the pages at Rx F Fish is through the generous courtesy of Adrian Metcalf.

The jokes on this page are also available at:

http://business.virgin.net/fly.fishing/jokes.html

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What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!!!! (I told you they were bad)

How do you stop a fish from smelling?
Cut it's nose off

What is the fastest fish in the sea?
Go-carp.

What did the mummy sardine say to her children when they saw a submarine?
Don't worry, it's only a tin of people.

If fish lived on land, which country would they live in?
Finland.

What did one rock pool say to the other rock pool?
Show me your mussels.

How do you kiss a pike?
Very carefully

What sits at the bottom of the sea and shivers?
A nervous wreck.

What has big sharp teeth, a tail, scales, and a trunk?
A pike going on holiday.

Why do they call him 'River'?
Because the biggest part of him is his mouth.

What do you get is you cross a rose with a pike?
I don't know but I wouldn't put my nose too close to smell it

Why did the salmon cross the road?
Because it was tied to the chicken.

Man: Can I have a fly rod and reel for my son?
Fishing Shop Owner: Sorry sir we don't do trades.

Why do they call him 'Fish'?
Because he cannot keep his mouth shut.

How do I avoid infection from biting insects?
That's easy - don't bite them

What is the wettest animal in the world?
A reindeer.

What lives under the sea and carries a lot of people?
An Octobus

Where do you find a crab with no legs?
Exactly where you left it.

What is yellow and dangerous?
Pike infested custard.

What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
I want to hold your hand hand hand hand hand hand hand hand.

What do you get if you cross a whale with a computer?
A four ton know it all.

Why did the lobster blush?
It saw the Queen Mary's bottom

Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the sea weed.

Why are fish smarter than mice?
Because they live in schools.

What fish terrorises other fish?
Jack the Kipper

What should you do if you find a shark in your bed?
Sleep somewhere else.

What do you call a pike with a gun?
Sir

What do you call a Shark with a rocket launcher?
Anything he tells you to.

What do you call a deaf pike.
Anything you like he cannot hear you.

How do you stick down an envelope under the water?
With a seal.

What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.

What can fly under the water?
A bluebottle in a submarine

What has antlers and sucks your blood?
A Moose-quito

Little boy what are you fishing for?
I'm not fishing, I'm drowning worms

What do you call a neurotic octopus?
A crazy, mixed up squid.

What do you call a baby whale that never stops crying?
A little blubber

What kind of sea creature eats its victims two by two?
Noah's shark

What side of a fish has the most scales?
The outside.

What swims and is highly dangerous?
A trout with a hand grenade.

What did one sardine say to the other sardine when it saw a submarine?
There goes a can full of people.

What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather

What fish terrorises other fish?
Jack the Kipper

What do you give a seasick elephant?
Lots of room

Mother: Have you given the goldfish fresh water today?
Son: No, they haven't finished the water I gave them yesterday.

What fish are musical?
Tuna fish.

Where do ghosts swim in North America?
In Lake Erie.

Don't swim in the sea, A shark just bit off my foot!
Which one?
I don't know. All sharks look the same to me.

Mummy why can't I go swimming in the sea?
Because there are sharks in the sea.
But Mummy, Daddy is swimming in the sea.
That's different he is insured.

What happened to the fishing boat that sank in piranha fish infested waters?
It came back with a skeleton crew.

What whizzes along a riverbed on three wheels?
A motor-Pike and a side-Carp.

Where do fish wash?
In a river basin

Where do fish keep their money?
In the river bank.

What is the best fish on ice?
A skate.

Why did the trout cross the road?
Because it was the chicken's day off.

Where do whales get weighed?
At a whaleweigh station.

# # #

An Englishman goes fishing in deepest Scotland. He is out there, wind howling, rain pouring when all of a sudden wham rod bends line shoots out. After about an hour he lands the fish and gets it out of the water. He is about to cosh it when the salmon says "please don't hit me". The Englishman can't believe his ears "a talking salmon, what's your name" he asks "Rusty" replies the salmon, after a while he says goodbye and returns the fish.

Two years pass, the Englishman goes back to do some more fishing and he is back out there again. The rain is driving. The wind is howling. He is wet and fed up. Just as he was going to pack up he strikes. Hours pass and still the king of fish is fighting. After another hour he lands the fish. He gets out the priest when the salmon turns and says "remember me?" "Good grief" cries the Englishman its Rusty "How are you? What have you been doing?" "Well" replies the salmon, "I have been swimming around the sea and I found this wreck. I was so impressed with this wreck that I am going to write a book on it." "What are you going to call it?" asks the Englishman.

"Titanic Verses by Salmon Rusty" replies the salmon!

# # #

What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch

What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line

What is the best way of stopping a fish from smelling?
Cut off his nose.

# # #

Submitted by Paul M, Munden, MD
The game warden couldn't figure out why Jack (a man of many fish but few words) always came home with a creel full of fish. The warden suspected foul play so he invited himself on a fishing trip with Jack. They boarded a small rowboat and worked their way out to the center of the lake in question. Jack reaches into his knapsack, pulls out a stick of dynamite and lights the fuse. "Now wait a minute here Jack," the game warden says, "this type of business is strictly illegal!" Jack hands him the dynamite and says, "You gonna fish or you gonna talk."

Submitted by MartiMac - Bad Fishing Riddle
Two fathers and two sons went fishing - how many people were there?
Three - get it? Haw! Haw!

Submitted by Matricx
Have you ever thought about the size of the one that got away ?
It seems to grow each time you tell the story.
The true meanings :

What is said
What it really meant
We got a lot of fish!
The rest of the guys caught all of these - I got nothing
This fish put up a great fight
It cost me a fortune at the Market

# # #

Submitted by Don
What do you say to a guy with his lure in the seaweed?
Your fly's down!

Submitted by reader Robert J. Dettmann
Why don't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

Submitted by Mreddish
My son and I went fishing in our little row boat last weekend. I tried to get my handkerchief out of my back pocket. In doing so my wallet fell out of my pocket and into the water. As it started to sink a carp swam up and grabbed a corner of it. A second later another carp grabbed another corner. Soon they were joined by two more carp on the other corners.
My son was fascinated. That was the first time he had seen carp to carp walleting.

Submitted by Fred, Michelle & Linda McCulloch
How can you tell when a fishermen is lying?
Watch his mouth real close if it moves his lying.

Submitted by Mando & Daneice
When I was much younger, I remember landing a really nice Red Drum. When I was getting off the boat a man asked me where did you catch that fish ? I replied and gestured from right here in the mouth.

Submitted by reader Mike Moat
Why did the shark cross the road?
To get to the other side
Why did the bass cross the road?
because it was the sharks day off

What is half fish and half zebra?
A striped bass

What is part captain hook and part fish?
A codfish

If you put together a baby seal and a red headed girl what do you get?
The little mermaid

# # #

Submitted by Suanne and David
Bob and Jimbo were out on the lake one morning. They were having a great day, pulling in fish after fish, until the boat was full. When it was time to leave, Jimbo says, "Boy, the fishing here was great! Hope we can remember how to get back to this spot next time". "Well", says Bob, "let me fix that!". He pulls out a piece of chalk, and puts a big "X" on the side of the boat. "Now, we'll know where this place is next time". After rowing halfway back to shore, Jimbo suddenly says, "Wait a minute, Bob! What if we don't get the same boat???!!!".

Submitted by Jo Higgins, Washington, USA
The game warden was patroling his stretch of the river when he say two young females fishing. They were not dressed for fishing. They would not look out of place in a city office. "Good morning ladies do you have fishing licenses?" the warden enquired. "We don't need fishing licenses," replied one of the girls. "we're using magnets to search the bottom for treasure." The Warden did not believe them and demanded to see the end of their fishing lines. The two women complied and pulled in their lines. They showed him the magnets on the end of each line. "Okay, sorry to disturb you" grumbuled the game warden. When he was out of sight one
of the woman turned to the other, giggling, said "Stupid warden, doesn't he realise there are steelhead fish in this river!"

Submitted by Dave Harden
This is kind of a visual joke so try and imagine a little bit
Did you hear about the one armed fisherman?
He caught one this big! (holding one arm out)

Same joke submitted by Glenn and Brian Bahr
What does a fish say when it runs into a brick wall?
Dam!

Submitted by Jim Thompson
Sid and I went fishing one day when Sid tied into a really big bass. After about a half hour battle, Sid was not gaining any line. He looked at me and said "I think it is snagged." Being a diver I stripped to my shorts and dove over the side of the boat to try and free the fish. As I came up after my dive I said "That fish is caught in the steering wheel of a 1934 Plymouth that is at the bottom of the lake." Sid asked if I could get it out so I went down again. I came back up for air and said "You might as well break the line, we will never get that fish." Sid asked "Why not?" I replied "Every time I reach in the window to untangle that fish it goes and rolls the window up.

Submitted by David Kairis
We do not worry about eating fish from polluted waters.
We go fishing on a cold day, take the fish home and hang them by the head from a clothesline, let the mercury drop to the tail, cut off the tail, and eat the rest of the fish.

Submitted by Marilyn Mighton Ontario Canada
Bill, Fred, and John were out fishing. Suddenly Bill cought a huge fish that pulled him off the boat and into the water. Fred dived off the boat and came up a few minutes later with Bill. John did mouth-to-mouth resuscitation and commented, "I don't remember Bill having such bad breath!" Fred looked at Bill and said, "I don't remember Bill wearing a snowmobile suit, either!"

Submitted by J. Dillon
Where do you find most of the fish ?
Between the head & the tail


Submitted by Joe Sodl
One day a fish warden is watching three blondes fishing in a local river. He notices that none of them have a fishing license. he asked the ladies if they had a fishing license. the first blond replies and says were not fishing , we are cleaning garbage from the river bottom. The second blond lifts here line out of the water and shows the warden that she has a magnet tied to the end of her line. The warden slightly confused shrugs his shoulders and tells the ladies to have a nice day .After he is out of sight, the third blond looks at the other two and says "what a stupid warden doesn't he know there are steelhead in this river". (sorry about that one girls!)

Submitted by Marsha Ward
Where does a fish keep his money?
In the River Bank!

Submitted by Linda Langton, NZ
Give your husband a fish and you can feed him for a day.
Engourage him take take up fishing for a hobbie and you can get rid of him for the weekend!

Submitted by Kirk Harris
What is the definition of a 'Fisherman's Thumb'?
A temporary hook holder
What is the definition of a 'Fisherman's Knot'?
The insecure connection between your fly hook and your fishing line
What is the definition of a 'live bait'?
The biggest fish you will handle all day
What is the definition of a 'Treble Hook'?
A hook that trebles the odds of you catching a fish but quadruples the odds of you getting it caught in your thumb
What is the definition of an 'Angler'?
An obsessive individual who owns a house that is falling down due to neglect

Submitted by Steve Graeser
Why didn't Noah do any fishing on the arc?
Because he only had two worms!

Submitted by Hans Lass, (Hanover Germany)
My wife said to me that if I go fishing once more she, me will leave. God, I will miss her!


Submitted by James Hook
What do you call fishing without bait.
Fishing on credit

Submitted by Harry Crane(Sidney, Australia)
How much fishing tackle can a man acumilate before his wife throws him out?
I don't know the answer but I believe I'm nearly there.

Lucinda Palmer-Lane (Toronto, Canada)
Lady says " Are you fishing?
Fisherman replies "No madam I'm drowning worms."

Submitted by Kate Ingram (Boston, USA)
A fisherman's wife was sitting on the bank of a river when along came the ranger came along and said "Excuse me madam but I need to speak to your husband. Can you tell me where he is?" She replied, pointing to a clump of reeds. "Go over there and look for the pole with a worm on both ends."

Submitted by John McCreeth (Richmond, USA)
Two boys were sitting on the rivers edge fishing. One turns to the other and says "Do fish grow fast?". The other boy replies "I think so. Every time my Dad tells the story about the one that got away it grows another foot"

Submitted by Mike Lee (Dover,USA)
A little boy says to his father "Hey Dad that's a great fish you caught. Can I use it for bait?"

Submitted by Ron Sullivan (Dartmouth, UK)
A Fisherman goes into the Fishmongers and buys six trout. The fishmonger asks "Do you want them wrapped sir?" The Fisherman replies "No thank you. Could you do me a favour though. Could you throw them to me gently one by one." "Yes sir I can but why?" he enquired. "Well" explained the fisherman. "I have been fishing all night and all day. I haven't caught anything. If you throw me those trout and I catch them I can honestly say when I get home that I caught six trout."

Submitted by Jane Wells (New York, NY)
"How was the fishing today Adrian?" asked his friend Stan back at the marina. "Not very good I only got fifty bites; one small fish and forty nine mosquitoes"

Submitted by Paul Harris (Portsmouth, UK)
There are two kinds of fishermen. Those that fish for sport and those that catch something.

Submitted by Sean Kelly (Dublin, Eire)
An Irish priest loved to fly fish. It was an obsession, but so far this year the weather had been so bad that he had not had a chance to get his beloved wadders on and his favourite flies out of their box. Strangly though every Sunday the weather had been good, but of course Sunday is the day he has to go to work. The weather forcast was again good for the coming Sunday so he called a fellow priest cliaming to have lost his voice and in bed with the flu. He asked if he could take over his sermon.
The fly fishing priest drove fifty miles to a river near the coast so that no one would recognise him. An angel up in Heaven was keeping watch and saw what the priest was doing. He informed God who agreed that he should do something.
With the first cast of his line a huge fish mouth gulped down the fly. For over an hour the priest ran up and down the river bank fighting the fish. At the end when he finally landed the monster size fish it turned out to be a world record Salmon.
Confused the angel asked God, "Why did you let him catch that huge fish? I thought you were going to teach him a lesson." God replied "I did. Who do you think he is going to tell?"

Submitted by June Keel (Perth, Western Australia)
What does "I'm going fishing" really mean?
To some it is, I'm going to drink myself silly, get sun burnt and stand by a river with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.


Submitted by Capt. John Holden (Florida, USA JQHOLDEN@prodigy.net)
What is the difference between a fish and a piano.
You can't tuna fish.

Submitted by Naturnut
Where does a carp get a ride at?
A carp-pool.

Submitted by Ralph Kelly (Glasgow, Scotland)
WANTED
Woman who can cook, clean, wash and make sweet love.
Must have own boat.
If interested, send a photo of the boat to..........

Submitted by Nancy Neillt
Why do they cut the heads off of sardines?
So they don't bite each other in the can.

Submitted by The Lee's
Why does a fish take things in his mouth?
Because he doesn't have any hands.

Submitted by J Main
A small town Doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish. One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy. The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the Doctor used his fishing scale. The baby weighed 22 lbs 10 oz..

Submitted by Andy Leclair
Two guys decide to go ice-fishing. They find a place with ice and start drilling a hole. A loud voice says there's no fish there. After moving further away from the first hole they start to drill another hole. A loud voice says there's no fish there. The guys move really far from the second hole and start drilling another hole when the loud voice says this is the Ice Hockey Arena Manager and I'm telling you there is no fish there.

Submitted by Gary Bolduc, Tennessee USA
Two anglers are out ice fishing and not even getting a nibble. They look over and see a young boy with a pile of fish next to him. So they wander over to say hello.
As they approach, they notice the young boy catching yet another. I can't figure out what he's doing that we're not says one man to the other. Let's ask. Hey, what are you using for bait asks one of them. "Wmmmm,s" replies the boy. "Worms," they ask? "Yes". Hum, that's strange, that's what we're using and we're not even getting a nibble. What's your secret? The boy looks at them and mumbles, "uv gt ta kp tm wm". What, replies the men. The boy spits out a wad of worms and says, "I said, you got to keep them warm".

One day a young man is driving by a river and notices a fisherman with only one arm. He stops to watch and is amazed how agile he is at casting and catching fish.
He decides to walk down to the river and tell him how much he admires his agility. As he approaches the man, he suddenly hooks a huge fish. The fisherman sticks his rod in his mouth and continues to battle the monster. The young man quickly grabs the fishermans net and tries to scoop the huge fish out of the river. About this time the monster breaks his line and swims away. The young man appologizes and asks the fisherman if he saw how big the fish was. The fisherman holds up his one arm and promptly answers, it was about this big!


Submitted by Peter and Trish Ray, Tasmania, Australia
WADING
Wading, the most common means through which a dry fly-fisherman is transformed into a wet fly-fisherman.
CANOE
Long, narrow, sharp-ended boat in which the typical lake fisherman passes through the most dramatic portion of the metamorphosis that began with his emergence from his cocoon like sleeping bag at dawn. At first huddling in the unfamiliar craft as he adjusts to his new environment, he rises unsteadily to his feet, extends his fishing rod, and then goes into a brief flying phase, followed by a long aquatic or swimming stage.

Submitted by Gary Bolduc, Tennessee USA
The first mate turns to the skipper and asks, do you think we'll catch any fish today?
The skipper replies, Cod willing.

Submitted by Idrather be fishing on Montrose net
Two new anglers are out ice fishing on a frozen lake. They had a great day and before leaving they marked the spot so that when they came back in the summer they would find the same productive spot


Submitted by John King, Miami, Florida
Henry took his fishing very seriously. One day his young son, David, burst into the house, crying. His mother asked him what the problem was. "Daddy and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while he was reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away."
"Now come on, David," his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have just laughed it off."
"But that's just what I did, mommy."

Submitted by Alison Marsh, Dublin, Ireland
Two fishermen rented a boat and fished in a lake one day. To their amazement, they caught 50 fish! The first guy said to his friend, "Mark this spot so that we can come back again tomorrow!". His friend reached down and put a big 'X' on the side of the boat. "You idiot!", the first guy said, "What if we don't get the same boat again tomorrow?"

# # #

Do you have any more bad clean fishing jokes?

You can e-mail us at fly.fishing@virgin.net

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Estate and Country Sports Equipment Ltd
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Lindford, Hampshire GU35 0SJ, England

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